Thursday, December 21, 2006

Roller Coaster

God, I miss being pregnant. Yes, the last few weeks were long and uncomfortable. But...

I miss feeling Jackson kick and squirm inside me. I miss rubbing cocoa butter on my big round belly. I miss Joe laying his hands on me and feeling the circus inside. I even miss the hospital...the nurses, and the anticipation. And it is so final now. Jackson is the last baby I'll have. I want to remember every little thing, and I know I won't. I forgot so much with Seth. I mean, I remember the milestones. But what Seth's toes looked like as a newborn? Nope.

These hormones are a bitch, ya'll. Typing what I just typed? Has me bawling. I folded up my maternity clothes yesterday, and started crying. I'll never wear them again.

I read this comment today, and it rang true.

"I think this is a very common emotion that doesn't get talked about a lot. It really is sometimes like grieving a loss. I mean you go into pregnancy mode for almost a year, and then suddenly, poof, it's gone. Not to mention, but when you're out and about, you are walking around as a pregnant person, and sometimes that feels nice and makes you feel special. Then, again, poof, that's gone, and you're regular old Joe Schmoe on the street again.
I have grieved a bit each time my pregnancy was over."


At least I'm not the only one.

But then I look at Jackson, and my heart just swells. And Seth, running around the house, playing video games, laughing his head off about farts...that makes me feel a little more grounded. I think that once the holidays are over, and things calm down and get back to normal, I will start to feel like Heather again.


Refinnej said...

((hugs)) to you, New-Again Mama. I had the same feelings after my Jackson was's just so final. I loved being pregnant, too...and still sometimes miss that feeling of a baby kicking around inside. Totally normal. Evil hormones. ;-)

Hope you have a Merry Christmas!

Jenny said...

You're back!!!

But oh, you're sad. And sister, I know it. People don't talk about it but having a baby is like the last week of high school. You're so glad that it's finished but when it ends it's so final that it's a little devastating.

Damn hormones make it even worse.